Challenging Your Inner Critic: A Path to Self-Compassion
- Janelle De Guzman
- Apr 7
- 9 min read
Almost all of us have an internal voice that judges, shapes, or narrates the way we view ourselves. That inner critic can be harsh and self-deprecating, or it can be encouraging and supportive. If you feel like that inner critic's voice has been so loud, making it hard to even be compassionate to yourself, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can challenge and rewrite your narrative. Instead of silencing or avoiding that critic, we can make space for it and understand it.
Understanding Your Inner Critic
Here are some examples of that inner critic’s voice that you may relate to:
You’ll never be good enough.
You’re fat and not skinny enough.
Look at them; they’re better than you.
You should have done more/better.
You always mess up.
You’re going to fail, and everyone is going to judge you.
Are you sure you can do this? You’ll probably screw up.
If you show your true self, no one will like you.
No one cares about you.
You don’t deserve this.
You’re too fat/too thin/too ugly to be loved.
If you looked different you’d be happier.
Everything is your fault.
Have you heard or said any of these things to yourself? Your inner critic is that voice that undermines your self-worth, judges, or makes you doubt yourself. Most of the time, that inner critic is trying to protect you from something, whether it’s failure, embarrassment, or rejection, but it typically can do more harm than good. It tries to motivate you by bullying you. It can increase your anxiety, fuel perfectionistic tendencies, and exacerbate your self-doubt. If you try to work with your inner critic and add a little more compassion, you may be able to soften its grip on you.
Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?
Our inner critic is influenced by our childhood experiences, society expectations, past or current relationships, cultural norms, and/or personal setbacks. Social media’s unrealistic comparisons and expectations can also shape your inner critic. The inner critic develops as a way to protect us from further hurt, rejection, embarrassment, or failure. If you were criticized, bullied, or pressured to be perfect throughout your life, you might have internalized those messages and started developing an inner critic. That inner critic then became your own personal bully.
Here are some examples of how that inner critic can develop:
Critical Parents / Caregivers
Experience: A child grows up with parents who point out their mistakes as opposed to their achievements. This can sound like the following: “You should have done better,” “Why can’t you be more like ___?” or “You didn’t do good enough.”
Inner critic as an adult: This can manifest into: “I’m never good enough,” or “I have to be perfect or else people will be disappointed.”
Impact: Perfectionism, fear of failure, and/or self-doubt
Emotional Neglect/Dismissive Caregivers
Experience: A child is sad, cries, feels confused, or feels scared, but their emotions are brushed off. This can sound like, “Stop being so sensitive,” “You’re overreacting,” “Figure it out yourself,” or “You’re being a baby.”
Inner critic as an adult: This can manifest into: “I’m too much for people,” “My feelings aren’t valid,” “I don’t deserve love and attention,” “I have to be independent,” or “I should just keep my feelings to myself and pretend to be happy.”
Impact: Difficulty expressing emotions, fear of being a burden, and/or self-silencing in relationships
Being Bullied
Experience: You’re teased at school for your appearance, intelligence, or personality, so you start to believe what they say. This can sound like, “You’re so dumb,” “That outfit looks so stupid,” “You’re too fat/skinny,” or “You’re weird.”
Inner critic as an adult: This can manifest into: “I’m ugly,” “I’m awkward,” “I need to change my style,” “I’m too fat or too skinny,” or “No one really likes me.”
Impact: Social anxiety, low self-esteem, and/or body image struggles
Childhood Trauma and Emotional Abuse
Experience: Growing up in an environment where love was unpredictable and unstable (hot one minute then cold the next). A child is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering a parent’s extreme emotions, like anger. This can sound like, “You can’t trust people,” “I’m not listening to you,” or “You’re so difficult.” This can also look like parents leaving, the silent treatment, emotional unavailability, and inconsistent love.
Inner Critic’s Voice as an Adult: This can manifest into: “If I upset people, they’ll leave me. I need to make everyone happy to be safe,” “I must have done something wrong if people pull away,” I need to constantly prove my worth,” “It’s my fault if someone gets upset,” “Love is not unconditional; I have to earn it,” or “If I upset someone, they’ll abandon me.”
Impact: Hypervigilance, chronic stress, trust issues, difficulty asserting or expressing needs, and/or fear of abandonment
Toxic Romantic Relationships
Experience: Being in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally manipulative, controlling, or belittling. They may say things like “No one else would ever love you,” “You’re imagining things,” “Stop being so dramatic,” “After everything I’ve done for you…,” “It’s your fault,” or “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
Inner Critic’s Voice as an Adult: This can manifest into: “I’m unlovable. I should be grateful for any attention I get, even if it’s bad,” “I don’t deserve love,” “I can’t trust myself,” “Maybe I’m just dramatic,” “I’m probably crazy,” or “I don’t deserve to say no.”
Impact: Staying in unhealthy relationships, people-pleasing, second-guessing yourself, tolerating mistreatment, and/or fear of setting boundaries
Social Media & Unrealistic Beauty Standards
Experience: Seeing influencers with “perfect” bodies and skin, luxurious lifestyles, filtered beauty, edited waistlines, and highlight reels.
Inner Critic’s Voice as an Adult: This can manifest into: “I need to always be skinny to be accepted,” “If I don’t have a flawless face, I’m ugly,” “I’m behind in life compared to everyone else,” “Everyone looks happier than me,” or “Pimples. blemishes, and stretch marks are ugly.”
Impact: Imposter syndrome, body image struggles, low self-esteem, FOMO, life dissatisfaction, constantly seeking external validation, body dysmorphia, comparison anxiety, over-editing photos, and/or disordered eating behaviors
Workplace Toxicity & Hustle Culture
Experience: Working in a place where burnout and constantly working overtime is glorified, constantly proving yourself by overworking, and/or tying self-worth to achievement and productivity.
Inner Critic’s Voice as an Adult: This can manifest into: “I should be doing more,” “I’m not working hard enough,” “I don’t deserve rest,” “If I’m not working, then I’m lazy,” “If I don’t overachieve, then I’m a failure,” or “I need to prove my worth through my achievement.”
Impact: Workaholism, chronic stress, burnout, tying self-worth to success and productivity, and/or guilt when relaxing or resting
Gender/Cultural Expectations
Experience: Growing up hearing that only certain behaviors are allowed if you’re a certain gender, race, or from a certain cultural background. This can sound like, “Men don’t cry or express their emotions,” “Women are not allowed to be bossy,” “Don’t ask for help,” “You need to settle down and have a family at age __,” “You have to always respect your elders,” “Your career defines your worth,” or “You have to always follow your religious or cultural rules.”
Inner Critic’s Voice as an Adult: This can manifest into: “I should be doing more for others,” “I need to constantly provide for my family or else I’m worthless,” “I can’t show my emotions because that’s weak or soft,” “Setting boundaries is disrespectful,” “If I’m single, something is wrong with me,” or “If I question my beliefs, I’m a bad person.
Impact: Suppressed emotions, difficulties with vulnerability, lack of boundary-setting, and/or internalized guilt and shame.
Signs Your Inner Critic is Taking Over
Here are some signs that your inner critic may be taking control and killing your self-esteem:
Constant self-judgment and negative self-talk: This can look like nitpicking with yourself, feeling like small mistakes equate to huge failures, or holding yourself to impossibly high standards.
Feeling like you’re never good enough: Even if you’re objectively achieving a lot of things, you still feel like it isn’t enough. You may feel like you’re constantly comparing yourself to others and never feel satisfied.
Struggling to accept compliments or achievements: If you receive a compliment or a reward, you immediately invalidate it or think or say reasons why you don’t deserve it.
Avoiding challenges due to fear of failure: You constantly worry about what people think of you, so you avoid taking risks or doing anything due to fear of failure. You want to do things perfectly to the point where you end up not doing anything at all, so you feel stuck.
Emotional and physical exhaustion: You feel burnt out, you don’t sleep well, you feel drained from constantly trying to prove yourself, and your mind is constantly running with endless thoughts of self-doubt.
How to Challenge and Quiet Your Inner Critic
Rewriting the narrative in your mind and making your compassionate voice louder takes practice, and it can be hard to do at first, but it’s possible. Here are some ideas of how you can start:
Recognize the Critic as a Part of You
Your inner critic is not solely who you are. It’s just a part of you that developed to protect you or keep you safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
When did I first notice this voice?
What does it sound like?
What does it look like?
Does it look like a blob? A high school bully? A virus? A cloud? Your younger self? Imagine it as something that is merely a part of you, not all of you.
Separate Yourself from the Critic
Create some space between you and that critic.
Instead of continuing to criticize or bully yourself, try to add some distance between you and that thought. This helps separate that inner critic from your whole identity. That critic is just one perspective, not your entire reality. For example:
“A part of me is being critical.”
“This part is scared of ___”
“I’m having a critical thought.”
Be Curious About the Critic
Instead of avoiding or fighting against it, let it exist, and meet it with curiosity.
Ask it some questions:
What are you trying to protect me from?
Is it protecting you from rejection? Failure? Judgment?
When was your first experience with rejection, failure, or judgment?
What would happen if you stopped criticizing me?
Would you be happier with yourself? Would you accept yourself? Would you feel free and at peace?
What do you truly need?
Do you need a hug? Compassion? Kindness?
What would you say to that inner critic? How could you support it and work with it?
Meet the Critic with Compassion
Instead of judging, criticizing, and bullying yourself further, meet your critic with compassion. Acknowledge what it’s trying to do for you or protect you from. The goal is to soften its grip on you and quiet its voice to give space for YOU to lead,
Try saying:
I see you. I see that you’re trying to help me and protect me.
I don’t need you to work so hard to keep me safe.
I am capable of handling these challenges.
I’m going to meet myself with compassion instead of self-judgment.
I’m choosing kindness today.
I’m going to give myself the hug and words of reassurance that I need.
If we give that critic extra compassion, it’ll release and soften its grip on us and stop trying to bully us.
Invite a New Role for the Critic
Try transforming that critic into a more supportive and less judgmental voice. Instead of being a critic, maybe it can be an encourager.
Try asking:
How can we work together in a healthier way?
Could you remind me to grow without tearing me down?
This can look like the following:
“I’m going to work out to nourish and care for my body to reach my personal health goals” vs. “You’re fat and ugly, and if you don’t work out to be skinny, no one will like you.”
“I want to help you grow, but I’ll be gentler” vs.“You’re a failure and need to constantly do more.”
Can you trust me to lead with confidence and kindness?
Strengthen Your Compassionate Self
Continue connecting with yourself. Engage in self-care. If you spend more time nurturing your compassionate self, your inner critic will have less power and a quieter voice. Eventually, it will just be background noise.
Here are some ideas on how to do this:
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend or loved one.
Live according to your values. Here’s a blog on values-based living for some more ideas on this.
Engage in creative expression (music, dancing, painting, writing)
Connect with nature and spend more time outside.
Move your body in ways that feel good for you, like yoga, walking, running, sports, or stretching.
Practice writing or verbalizing your gratitude.
Start having a morning and evening routine, such as skincare, stretching, exercising, planning your day, or a warm bath or shower.
Challenge your negative self-talk.
Your Worth is Not Up for Debate
Challenging and understanding your inner critic doesn’t mean the voices or those uncomfortable thoughts never come back or you never have self-doubt again. It means working with it instead of avoiding it and letting it control you. It means trying to turn that inner critic into background noise and increasing the volume of your compassionate voice. This will ultimately build your self-esteem, confidence, and resilience.
You are enough, exactly as you are. It’s time to start believing it.
If your inner critic has been running the show and you're ready to take your power back, you're not alone—and you don’t have to do it by yourself. At Therapeutic Counseling, our therapists here to help you reconnect with your compassionate self and rewrite the narrative holding you back.
Schedule a consultation today and take the first step toward healing, growth, and self-acceptance.
Sources
Frye, D. (2023, December 15). Understanding the inner critic. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-inner-dynamics/202312/understanding-the-inner-critic
Garratt, S. (n.d.). Take control of your inner critic. The Creative Life. https://thecreativelife.net/control-your-inner-critic/
Hunt, E. (2021, January 6). Silence your inner critic: A guide to self-compassion in the toughest times. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/06/silence-your-inner-critic-a-guide-to-self-compassion-in-the-toughest-times
Yadav, P. (2016). Self-compassion and the art of overcoming one’s inner critic. Indian Journal of Positive Psychology, 7(6), 495-497. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Yadav2016.pdf
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