Traditional talk therapy includes a vast array of approaches and modalities that you might have heard of before - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, etc - and each of these styles of therapy have specific techniques and intentions that are utilized during sessions. Another therapeutic approach that has gained traction in recent years that has connections to attachment therapy is loosely called ‘Inner Child Therapy’, and this approach focuses on reconnecting with younger parts of ourselves, specifically our inner child, in order to process previous trauma and unresolved developmental stages.
Our ‘inner child’ can be viewed as a part of our psyche that may carry unresolved or misunderstood pain, embarrassment, shame, anger, or trauma from our past that often informs our present day reactions, responses, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If we experienced emotional neglect or even abuse as children, this can influence how we view ourselves; for example, if a 7 year old child expresses emotion and then is intentionally ignored by their caregiver (or if they have a tantrum and their caregiver responds aggressively) or if their parent scolds them by saying “can you do anything right?”, they might then internalize these actions as personal faults or shortcomings. A child might then develop a core belief about themselves that they are ‘unloveable’ or ‘undeserving of kindness’ because of how they were treated, and this can cause deep emotional wounds. These wounds are long lasting and can be triggered in the present day when we are exposed to a situation that reminds us of those activating experiences in childhood. Maybe we make a mistake at work and are terrified of getting in trouble or seen as unintelligent because that core belief of “not doing anything right” rears its ugly head, so we have an extreme reaction and our inner critic comes out full force, shaming us and engaging in self-punishment. Or, we feel an intense emotion and want to express it to someone we care about, but we remember this not being emotionally safe enough to do in childhood, so we keep it tucked away inside and distance ourselves from our emotions due to fear of being “unlovable” or “too much”.
Well, what do we do with this information?
Once you have discovered any patterns that feel related to unresolved pain from childhood, like consistent trust issues, feelings of loneliness or inferiority, or intense emotional outbursts, it is helpful to engage in something called reparenting. Essentially, reparenting is the intentional giving of compassion, validation, love, and nurturing to oneself that might not have been received or experienced in childhood. When we allow our younger parts to surface and speak directly to our inner child, we can remind that part of ourselves that it is safe now and can begin to engage in more adaptive patterns as we are now more equipped to tolerate current distress. Below are a few steps to take to begin this process:
Describe your presenting concern: What are you currently feeling? Abandoned? Lonely? Angry? Grief?
Reflect on the activating event, and connect to the past: Think about what specifically has triggered you, and what from the past does it remind you of (initial traumatic event that led to core beliefs).
Envision a safe space: Engage in a breathing or grounding exercise to feel regulated, and then imagine a comfortable and safe environment.
Invite the inner child in: Intentionally visualize your inner child/younger part of yourself in that safe environment. How old are they? What do they look like, what emotions do you see them expressing? Is there anything they want to share with you?
Comfort your young parts: Demonstrate care and understanding to your inner child. Listen to what they might have to share with you. You might then say something like “I value you, I love you, and I am proud of you for what you endured. You are safe now”. You can thank your inner child for trying to protect the present version of you.
Integrate the present: Encourage the inner child to grow to your current age, and recognize that you have new tools and skills to handle and tolerate pain if you feel triggered or activated.
This is just a starting point, and a way to encourage reflection and compassion towards your younger parts. Your inner child is a past version of you, one that guided you and assisted you in getting to where you are now. Understanding your inner child’s purpose and intentions in keeping you safe can give you the opportunity to ask it to soften back, and grow to your present age to encourage empowerment and confidence in your current abilities. If you’re curious about your inner child or feel like it might be worth it to explore your past, reach out and schedule an appointment with our terrific team!
Citations
Childs Heyl, Julia. “Inner Child Work: How Your Past Shapes Your Present.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 22 Mar. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/inner-child-work-how-your-past-shapes-your-present-7152929.
Shah, Nitin. “Inner Child Therapy: Heal Deep-Seated Emotional Issues: Expert Guide.” ICHARS, Nitin Shah, 6 Dec. 2024, instituteofclinicalhypnosis.com/psychotherapy-coaching/inner-child-healing-step-by-step-complete-guide/.
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