Have you ever found yourself attempting to parent young children in an incredibly overstimulating environment which resulted in an accidental ‘snapping’ at your children? If you answered yes, you’re not alone.
Parenting often requires juggling multiple tasks at once, and it’s common to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated while attempting to manage these different roles. Parenting can be done with the best intentions; however, everyone makes mistakes and intentions about our behaviors do not always equal the impact of our behaviors. Meaning, we can have zero plans of raising our voices at our children, yet sometimes it happens. Even the most dedicated and loving parents can find themselves raising their voices or snapping at their children at times of high stress. These moments, though distressing, are a common part of navigating the natural highs and lows of parenting. It’s important to remember that experiencing these bursts of frustration or overstimulation does not make you a “bad” parent--it makes you human.
Parenting demands a lot of us- emotional flexibility, patience, and almost constant attentiveness. When stress, fatigue, or frustration increase, even the calmest parents can momentarily lose their composure. The crucial factor is in how we address these moments afterward. Here’s where the concept of "repair attempts” comes into play. Repair attempts refer to the important practice of restoring and strengthening the parent-child relationship after conflict. Understanding and utilizing repair attempts can transform these challenging situations into powerful opportunities for growth, love, and connection.
What Are Repair Attempts?
Repair attempts refer to an attempt to mend the parent-child relationship following conflict. These attempts are essential because they help to rebuild trust, teach emotional regulation, and model healthy conflict resolution. They show our children that adults make mistakes and that their emotions are important. Repair attempts go beyond merely saying “I’m sorry”; they involve a genuine effort to address and correct the emotional impact of our actions. Repair attempts also provide an opportunity for us to demonstrate how to handle difficult emotions constructively, which in turn teaches our children lessons in empathy, resilience, and communication. At the core, repair efforts work to heal the immediate rift in connection but also foster a deeper connection between parent and child. This ultimately strengthens the family dynamic and promotes emotional health for everyone involved.
Why Do Repair Attempts Matter?
Repair attempts help us foster trust within the relationship. When we raise our voices or snap at our child, it can shake their sense of security. Repair attempts help to restore this trust by showing them that despite the conflict, the relationship remains strong and valued. Children also learn how to handle emotions and conflicts by observing us. By making a repair attempt, we model emotional regulation and demonstrate that it's okay to make mistakes--that what matters most is how we address them. Repair attempts also teach accountability. Children learn by observing and having an adult that utilizes repair attempts teaches children about taking responsibility for their actions. They see that acknowledging and correcting mistakes is an important part of being accountable and respectful.
How Do I Make a Repair Attempt?
Below is a helpful outline for repair attempts. Adjust this formula to have it work best for you and utilize your own style of speech when talking to your children.
First: Acknowledge and Apologize. Start by acknowledging the behavior or words that were hurtful. A sincere apology goes a long way in demonstrating your awareness of the impact of your actions. For example, "I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier, that’s not how I should have spoken to you” says more than simply “I’m sorry.”
Next: Briefly Explain and Reassure. Next, explain what led to your reaction, and reassure your child that your frustration is not a reflection of their worth as a person. For example, "I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, but that doesn’t mean I’m frustrated with you. I love you even when I’m feeling frustrated." The goal of explaining is to show your child that they were not at fault for your ‘snapping’, not to try to justify or rationalize your behavior to them.
Then: Validate Their Feelings. Let your child express how they feel about the instance and then validate their emotions. Validating their emotions helps your child feel understood and heard. This could look like, "I understand that my yelling made you feel scared."
Lastly: Make Amends. Discuss how you will handle similar situations differently in the future. For example, "Next time I feel overwhelmed, I’ll try to step away for a moment instead of yelling.”
All together this may look like: “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier, that’s not how I should have spoken to you. I was stressed and frustrated with the situation, not you. I know that was scary for you. Next time, I’ll try to take a deep breath before talking. I love you even when I’m frustrated, and my behavior was not your fault.”
The goal of repair attempts is to foster a stronger relationship with our children, model healthy communication skills and emotional regulation skills, and reinforce the resilience of our relationships with our child. By actively taking accountability for the impact of our actions, we’re teaching our children valuable life skills while nurturing an emotionally safe environment. Parenthood isn’t about being a “perfect parent”; it’s about being a present, responsive, and caring parent.
References:
Divecha, D. (2020, November 14). Rifts and repairs in the fabric of Family Life. Developmental Science. https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2020/8/12/rifts-and-repairs-in-the-fabric-of-family-life
Kemp CJ, Lunkenheimer E, Albrecht EC, Chen D. Can We Fix This? Parent-Child Repair Processes and Preschoolers' Regulatory Skills. Fam Relat. 2016 Oct;65(4):576-590. doi: 10.1111/fare.12213. Epub 2016 Sep 16. PMID: 28190911; PMCID: PMC5298208.
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