Values-Based Living: Building Authenticity and Sense of Self
- Janelle De Guzman
- Mar 24
- 8 min read
Have you ever felt like you were merely moving through the motions of life? Do you ever feel disconnected with yourself? Have you found yourself making decisions that don’t sit quite right with you and leave you feeling less proud of yourself? Have you ever started feeling lost and thought, “Who am I, and what matters to me?” or “What am I even doing?”
Living according to your core values and aligning your actions with said core values is something that can help combat these feelings and help you discover who you are. As Doris Mortman said, “Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” We’ll define what core values are, why they matter, how to identify them, and how to live according to those values despite any barriers.
What Are Core Values?
According to Stanislaw and McCreary (2022), core values are “personal judgments about what is important in life” that “guide critical life decisions and impact wellbeing.” In other words, these values are beliefs and principles that influence your decisions and behaviors. Imagine core values as a compass that guides you towards living a life with meaning and purpose. Below is a list of some core values that people may have.
Why Do Core Values Matter?
As shown above, in the book You Learn By Living, Eleanor Roosevelt says, “Not to arrive at a clear understanding of one’s own values is a tragic waste. You have missed the whole point of what life is for.” What she’s getting at here is not understanding and identifying what’s important to each person can decrease the likelihood of living an authentic and fulfilling life. Without the self-awareness of one’s values, people may resort to living based on external influences or expectations rather than internal values, which can correlate with disappointment, regret, aimlessness, or an unstable sense of self. The list below shows more reasons why core values matter.
Guide Decision-Making: When trying to make decisions, whether easy or difficult, having core values helps to choose the path that aligns with your personal beliefs and priorities.
If you value honesty, you would be transparent with your friend about your feelings rather than avoiding conflict or lying to them.
If you value family, you would decide to attend a family event as opposed to working overtime and missing that event.
If you value loyalty, you stay true to your partner rather than cheat.
Improve Mental Wellbeing: Acting in alignment with your core values can bring inner peace and fulfillment, whereas going against your values can correlate with stress, anxiety, guilt, and/or disappointment.
If you value balance, you may feel peace and pride when you don’t overwork yourself and allow yourself to rest.
If kindness is a core value, but you lash out in anger, you may feel guilt and shame afterwards.
If you value family but constantly put work first and don’t spend time with family, you may feel more anxious and regretful.
Strengthen Relationships: Having shared values with others can build deeper connections. Respecting and understanding each other’s core values, even if they’re different, can also create strong foundations for trust and further encouragement to live according to those values.
If faith or spirituality is a value, one can create strong bonds with people in their church or community who align with that faith.
Couples who value financial stability will work together to budget and plan rather than overspend.
Increase Resilience: When tough times hit or when life and your circumstances are constantly changing and transitioning, core values remain the foundation that creates a sense of consistency and stability. Connecting to your core values can give you a reason to keep going.
For example, someone who values family will persevere through hard times, busyness, and mental battles in order to be there for their loved ones.
Encourage Authenticity: Living according to one’s core values means showing up as your authentic and truest self. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not because your actions reflect what truly matters to you as opposed to what society tells you or expects. This builds self-trust and self-respect.
If you value creativity, you’ll feel most fulfilled and like yourself if you take the time to make art, draw, or write despite other people saying it’s dumb or impractical to do so.
If you value perseverance and hard work in your sport, being in the gym, field, or court, most days of the week will feel more fulfilling than laying in bed and watching TV.
Help Set Boundaries: Understanding your values means it will be easier to say no to things that don’t serve you and yes to the things that align with your values and personal growth.
If solitude is a core value, you’ll make sure to create time in your week to be alone doing your own self-care as opposed to going out every night and saying yes to all the social events of the week.
If you value kindness and loyalty, you might disengage or disconnect from friends who gossip and cheat.
Identifying Your Core Values
Reflect on Meaningful Moments
Think about times when you felt happy, proud, or fulfilled. Ask yourself:
What was happening?
Who was involved?
What made this experience meaningful?
Reflect on Strong Emotional Reactions
Think about times when you have felt angry or upset. This can help you identify values that feel violated.
If injustice or inequity angers you, you may value fairness or equality.
If lying and cheating upsets you, you may value truth or integrity.
Reflect on Who You Admire
Think about some people that you respect or look up to, such as parents, friends, mentors, historical figures, or celebrities. This can help you find values that you relate to or want to embody.
What qualities do they embody?
What specifically about them inspires you?
Reflect on Your Life Priorities
Think about how you spend most of your time. If you spend a lot of time on learning and working, maybe you value growth. If you spend time with your family, maybe you value family. If you enjoy your self-care and alone time, maybe you value solitude or self-improvement.
Where do you invest the most effort?
What sacrifices are you willing to make?
Do a Value Sorting Exercise
You can take a big list of values and sort them. Here are two ways you can do it using this website: https://www.truupsychology.com/values
Sort the values into categories:
Very Important: Core values that deeply resonate with you.
Somewhat Important: Values that matter but aren’t top priorities.
Not Important: Values that don’t strongly align with you.
From the “Very Important” pile, choose your top 5-10 that truly define how you want to live.
Narrow the 64 values on the website down to 20. Narrow the 20 down to 10. Narrow the 10 down to 5. Those are your top 5 values.
After you have identified your values, now it’s time to reflect on how to live in alignment with those values, explore barriers, and see how to overcome those barriers.
Living in Alignment With Your Core Values
Here are some steps for for how to align your actions with your values:
Assess Your Current Status: When you look at the different areas of your life, such as your career, relationships, health, self-care, leisure, and growth, are your actions and decisions reflecting your core values?
Set Values-Based Intentions: Set goals based on your values rather than external expectations. For example, if you value growth, make sure you’re challenging yourself at work or school by learning something new regularly. If you value connection, make sure to spend intentional time with those you are close with or care about.
Make Conscious and Intentional Decisions: When you are faced with choices or trying to figure out which direction to go, ask yourself the following: “Which option aligns more with my values?”
Set Boundaries that Protect Your Values: Boundaries protect your wellbeing and prevent the mental struggles that may occur from misalignment. For instance, if you value balance, create work-life boundaries by limiting after-hours work emails and communications. If you value self-care, schedule consistent times for rest or hobbies that recharge your battery.
Check In and Adjust: Every now and then, ask yourself the following: “Am I honoring my values?” If not, adjust accordingly and realign.
Signs You’re Living Out of Alignment
Feeling disconnected or unfulfilled can be a sign that your daily actions don’t reflect your values. Some signs include:
Constantly feeling drained or overwhelmed
Struggling with decision-making and second-guessing yourself
Experiencing guilt or frustration without knowing why
Feeling like you're living for others rather than yourself
Barriers to Values-Based Living
Here is a list of some barriers to values-based living to be aware of:
External pressures and expectations: Family expectations, cultural “norms,” or pressure from society can influence you to make decisions or live a life that doesn’t quite align with your own core values.
For example, if you value art and creativity, and you have a desire to be a writer, singer, or artist, but society and your family tells you that you won’t make money doing that, you may feel pressured to take a traditional career route for financial security.
Fear of discomfort or change: Stepping out of our comfort zone can be daunting, but refusing to do so can prevent you from living authentically or according to your values.
For example, if you value personal growth but avoid taking on new challenges (e.g., applying for a new job, writing a book, advocating for a raise or a particular project you’re passionate about, etc.) due to fear of failure, it can prevent you from taking that next step.
If you value health but resist making lifestyle changes like exercising or eating more whole foods, it can prevent you from reaching the level of health that you want.
Self-doubt: Doubting yourself can correlate with hesitation.
For example, if you value ambition and adventure but tend to be perfectionistic, you may believe that what you do or will do will never be “good enough,” preventing you from moving forward, sharing your ideas, or taking a risk.
If you value growth and solitude but feel guilty or selfish for putting yourself first, you may place your own dreams, self-care, or goals on hold.
Lack of clarity on your values: If you haven’t taken the time to intentionally identify your core values, you may feel purposeless, like you are just moving through the motions of life, or lost regarding your sense of self.
Old habits and conditioning: If we have conditioned ourselves to be a certain way, those old habits and past experiences can creep back in while we’re trying to grow or change.
If you value patience but grew up in a household or environment where impulsivity and anger was the norm or default response, it may be hard to regulate your emotions at times.
If you value health but have old habits of emotional eating or being in a binge/restrict cycle, stress or overwhelming emotions may trigger you to repeat certain patterns.
Overcoming Barriers
To overcome these barriers, look back through the section about living in alignment with your values. Be curious about exploring some of your self-doubts, people-pleasing tendencies, triggers, passions, and pressures. Throughout the course of your values-based journey, practice endless self-compassion because we aren’t perfect and never will be. As Michael Jordan once said, “I can accept failure, everyone fails, but I can’t accept not trying.” Allow yourself to fail, try new things, explore new experiences, and stand firm in your values and beliefs.
Ready to Align Your Life with Your Core Values? Let Us Help.
Feeling lost or disconnected? At Therapeutic Counseling, we help you align your life with your core values, overcome barriers, and make intentional choices that bring fulfillment. Reach out today to start your journey toward a more authentic and purposeful life.
Sources
Aliotti, G. M. (2024, June 22). Talent wins games but teamwork and intelligence wins championships, says MJ. TheCrea8ve. https://www.thecrea8ve.com/p/talent-wins-games-but-teamwork-and
Emmons, R. A. (2003). Personal goals, life meaning, and virtue: Wellsprings of a positive life. In C. L. M. Keyes & J. Haidt (Eds.), Flourishing: Positive psychology and the life well-lived (pp. 105–128). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10594-005
Hodgson, C. (n.d.). Live by your values and everything else will fall into place. Tiny Buddha. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/live-values-everything-else-will-fall-place/
Monkhouse, D. (2024, January 16). Determining your values: Key to a fulfilling life. Monkhouse & Company. https://www.monkhouseandcompany.com/resources/blog/determining-your-values-the-key-to-a-fulfilling-life/
Stanislaw, H., & McCreary, J. (2022). Identifying core values with a hierarchical, ipsative, preference assessment. Journal of Personality Assessment, 105(3), 329–341. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223891.2022.2090369
TruU Psychology. (n.d.). Values exercise. TruU Psychology. https://www.truupsychology.com/values
Comentarios